How to Interpret Mixed Signals from Guys

Dating can be confusing when you get mixed signals from guys. One day he’s all over you, texting you, calling you every five minutes and making plans, then the next he’s distant, unresponsive, and uninterested. I feel like I never know what a guy really thinks or wants.

Understanding them and knowing how to respond to them will help you keep your mental and emotional health in good shape and allow you to make better decisions about your relationship. In this article we look at what the mixed signals are, why guys send them, and how you can best handle them should you ever receive some.

What Are Mixed Signals?

Mixed signals in a relationship is when behaviors or messages are inconsistent or contradicting, causing confusion or uncertainty about another guy's intentions or feelings. These behaviors can include verbal and nonverbal signals, like flirting followed by sudden withdrawal, or actions that contradict what they say. Mixed signals frequently result in you feeling frustration, confusion, and emotional distress.

Another common example is when a person is mixed up, or operating with mixed signals: someone might say or do two or more contradictory things that leave you unable to determine their real purpose or feelings. Or having them. A guy can be sweet and attentive some days, and icy and distant others. This is hard to handle, no doubt, and makes you wonder where you stand.

People send low-quality mixed signals all the time, of course – via text, on a date, or during a long-term relationship. But it’s the sum of these signals – a blend of good and bad – that makes it so challenging to decode the meaning of what they are telling you.

Why Do Guys Send Mixed Signals?

With that in mind, we need to explore why guys would be sending mixed signals in the first place. Now, there are any number of reasons why guys might be sending mixed signals:

Uncertainty About His Feelings: A guy can be unclear about his feelings for you; he could genuinely like you but be unsure if what he feels is compatible with what you want: a real relationship. This could cause him to vacillate between being sweet and distant.

Fear of Commitment: Men might fear commitment: they want to hang out with you, but not have a girlfriend. This dread of the C-word can cause mixed messages, as he feels desire versus fear.

Testing The Waters: Maybe he is genuinely testing the waters and trying to figure out how much you are invested in the relationship. By sending mixed signals, a guy reads your reaction to determine how much work he has to put into the relationship.

Many Interests: If the guy is dating around or has his ‘eye on the ball’ so to speak, he might send mixed messages as he juggles different partners or interests. He might not be committed to any particular relationship, which can cause him to become inconsistent.

Personal Problems: The guy could be dealing with stress about work or family drama that’s causing him to send mixed signals. His behaviour might have nothing to do with you, but that doesn’t mean it won’t put a strain on the relationship and leave you confused.

Mixed Signals: Some guys simply lack good communication skills and unintentionally send you mixed signals as they don’t know how to ‘say it as it is’.

Playing games Unfortunately, there are men out there who do send mixed signals because they are playing a game. But this kind of playing may not intentionally mean they are stringing you along. Playing a game with a woman (or multiple women) can make a man feel powerful, confident or important.

How to Interpret Mixed Signals

Having analyzed why men might send mixed dating signals in the first place, let’s now consider some ways that you can decipher those signals and finally, conclusively, decipher what they mean.

● Look for Consistent Patterns: Not specific behaviours, but instead, see if there are any patterns in his behaviour. Does he pull back after you two spent several days getting closer? Does he disappear after a great first date, only to reappear again? Consistent hot-and-cold patterns signal that the man may well be an uncertain investor.

● Concentrate on Deeds, not words: People often talk about what they want to do or will do, or pretend that they are doing things. Pay attention to what people do, not what they say. For example, if a guy tells you that he likes you but never makes time to meet or talk to you, and keeps breaking promises that mean something to you and is never there for you emotionally, he might not be saying what he means. Focus on what people do for you, not what they say.

● Consider Your Effort: Is he doing anything to see you, talk to you, or be in your world? Mixed signals usually come from inconsistent effort. If he only checks in with you every once in a while and it’s you who initiates almost all of the text exchanges and who usually invites him out, then maybe it’s time for you to take the fantasy train back to land of These Bitches Ain’t Got No Taste.

● It Could Be Contextual: Remember, at times, mixed signals are situational. For example, if he has been dealing with a major, stressful life struggle, he may be switching between his feelings. Consider his context and how it may or may not be influencing his behaviour at the moment. If his mixed signals are transient and caused by external, situational factors – not necessarily about your interactions – the problem may not be about his feelings for you.

● Pay attention to your gut instinct: if something doesn’t feel right or if you are constantly questioning his actions and wondering if it’s right for you, don’t ignore the signs. If you have things in common and you feel safe around him, good! Trust your instinct and if not, run when you can.

● Talk It Over: Mixed signals are best interpreted by talking over the issue with the guy. Ask him what his muddled behaviour means. This might be embarrassing for you but you might as well be sure of where you stand than spend your time guessing. If he reacts badly to being asked or tells you not to worry, then he is sending you a clear signal that he is not ready for a serious relationship.

How to Deal with Mixed Signals

Understanding how to interpret ambiguous signals is one thing, though; understanding how to respond to them is another. Here’s how to navigate the choppy waters of mixed messages:

Hold your interpretation. Once you’ve interpreted a message, it’s easy to fall into the trap of mindlessly following it. However, the unlikelihood of someone uttering such an obscure sentence demands that you pause and reconsider before responding. Even if the googly-eyed stare they gave you is nearly as unambiguous as a literal declaration of love, you owe it to yourself to at least hold off on responding until you’re certain.

Reinterpret. As you gain more information, your best guess might change. Pursuing an opportunity or rejecting an advance might sound like one thing one moment, but turn out to be something else entirely the next. While it might seem instinctual to plunge ahead, you can avoid unnecessary embarrassment by reflecting on your original goals and expectations when pursuing someone.

Acknowledge and examine - If you do decide to act, it’s important to keep any successes in perspective. Don’t let your triumphs swell into excessive self-confidence, and don’t let your failures crumble into defeatism.

Set boundaries – be clear about your expectations of how you want to be treated. This gives a guy a chance to correct his mixed signals, which may have been causing you to stress and feel confused. If you’ve felt bothered by a disappearing act or inconsistent communication, then communicate exactly what behaviour you will not tolerate. Telling a guy that you won’t tolerate disappearing acts or being treated inconsistently sets boundaries around your behaviour.

Stop Making Excuses – It’s easy to make excuses for the guy you like, especially if you really like him. But constantly rationalising his mixed signals can fuel the denial that keeps you from truly seeing the situation for what it is. Be honest with yourself about his behaviour and if this is something you can live with for the long haul.

Focus on You – Stop going over and over his mixed messages. Cultivate your life, your passion, and your hobbies; spend time with those you enjoy and if you’re not, work on that. Focusing on you will help you to also realise that he’s just not your one because you’ll get to know a lot of people who do care about you.

Back Up — If the mixed signals with him are starting to give you major stress or make you super upset, it might be beneficial to back up from the situation and let him sort of figure out what he wants. When you’re in a bad relationship, sometimes the simple act of pulling away will give you the clarity you need to figure out whether the relationship is worth it.

Get Ready To Leave – If you can’t really clear up his mixed signals, and the relationship is not moving forward healthily, then you are going to have to leave anyway. It might be tempting to stay with him if you still like him, but if you are guided by nothing other than the constant second-guessing of how he truly feels about you, such a scenario is not only quite unfair to you but is also a clear written notice of your boundaries. You are the one who deserves a boyfriend who does not make you wonder where things are going with him (unless, of course, a little mystery is your thing).

Ask Friends and Family for Support – If you want to overcome mixed signals or get clarity, do not be hesitant to just ask your friends and family to support you. They may offer some great advice, as well as a lack of bias and perspective on your relationship. Sometimes, it’s best to just get another person’s view so that you can make a much more sound decision.

Remember Your Worth – At the end of the day, you need to remember that you are worth it. You deserve to be with someone who values you, respects you, and is clear about their feelings for you. If a guy’s mixed signals are making you feel less than you are or making you question your worth, then you should either change the way that you are involved with them, or distance yourself completely from this relationship. A healthy relationship should help you to feel more secure, appreciated and loved.

Seek Professional Help – If you find yourself having trouble making sense of mixed signals and your emotions are starting to suffer, consider seeking help from a therapist or relationship coach. They can teach you tools and engage in strategies to help you deal with the mixed signals and ideally, come out the other side in a way that empowers you.