Signs Your Affair Partner is Losing Interest

It is now three months into the affair and your lover has started behaving differently. He texts less. He seems colder, less affectionate. The romance that you anticipated when you first discovered each other is missing. You are confused. What’s happening? Is it you? Is it them? Does your lover still love you? Affairs are difficult to navigate. Sometimes, our lovers turn away from us: their interest wanes. It is not uncommon for people in affairs to struggle to sense these shifts. Or else, they feel them, but they do not understand what they mean.

We will break this down for you and identify the verbal and behavioural cues that indicate your affair partner’s departure. It is important to understand that all relationships – marriages, affairs and those in between – ebb and flow. There are emotional, psychological and life dynamics at play. We will address why affairs lose their lustre, and help you understand the signs so you can ascertain what is happening.

Why Affairs Often Lose Momentum

The rush of an affair can be heady and intense, more elevated than your everyday existence, the secrets and thrill seem to pull you in. But that sense of elevation can dissipate, leaving you asking why things suddenly feel so different. If you feel as though things with your lover are losing momentum, know that you’re not alone: many affairs lose steam, and it seems that often that’s down to a combination of emotional and circumstantial factors.

1. The Weight of Guilt and Stress:

At first, excitement can overshadow the guilt, but eventually you start to feel ashamed, anxious or stressed. Your partner might begin to feel the weight of having two lives, perhaps having to lie or sneak around more than he or she wants to. That can result in the other partner pulling back emotionally, whether intentionally or not. It can be exhausting. And sometimes, you just need a breather.

2. Facing Reality:

What once was exciting can come up against what is real. You might realise after a while that you have an expiry date – maybe you won’t live happily ever after, maybe you’re both fed up with having to keep it under wraps. Reality bites, and that can create a sense of disappointment: at some point, your partner may be withdrawing because they cannot see a future unfolding, and nothing can be done about it.

3. The Excitement Isn’t the Same Anymore:

Affairs are often driven by the newness of it all: here is someone different to have sex with! Someone outside your relationship! But as with relationships in general, when the sheen wears off, you can start to lose steam. What was once a boffing escape will start to feel more like any old date, and your partner can stop finding it arousing as intensity falls.

4. There’s Only So Much Time to Grow:

Because affairs don’t evolve the way that other relationships do, there’s less leeway – perhaps you see each other only sporadically, perhaps you keep it secret, perhaps you can’t fully be there in each other’s worlds. At some point, these constraints can start to feel frustrating, and you might become stuck. And, when a relationship can’t grow, often it begins to shrink, and one of you starts to pull away.

5. Fear of Getting Caught:

Over time, the fear of being discovered may become more emotionally significant. Your lover might begin to think about things – hurting you, the fallout with friends or family, or how it might reflect on them in the eyes of the world. Fears can cascade and snowball, culminating in them shutting down emotionally as they prepare themselves for the perceived inevitable blowback.

6. Priorities Change:

Life doesn’t keep a constant beat. Maybe in the midst of something else – work, family or even another relationship – more time is being taken up. Your lover might lose interest, or have less energy, or less devotion to spend on the affair. Another priority might creep in. When your life changes, the affair might get crowded out whether you planned it that way or not.

Knowing why your partner might be pulling away doesn’t make it any easier, but it can help to make sense of the emotional rollercoaster you’re on. Affairs can fizzle for a number of reasons, and being able to read the signs can prevent a nasty surprise down the line.

Next, we’ll take a closer look at the verbal and behavioural signs that can indicate a partner’s diminished interest in you, and what you can do to move through it.

Verbal Signs Your Affair Partner is Losing Interest

It’s never easy to spot the warning signs that someone you’re romantically involved with is losing interest in you. In an affair, these shifts in how someone communicates with you can be particularly painful, especially if they were built on a heady combination of secrecy and introspection. But when your affair partner starts to lose interest in you, it will show up in his or her words, either with small changes that gradually grow into big ones, or with a sudden shift that feels like an earthquake.

1. Less Frequent and Shallow Conversations:

The very first warning sign can be when there is a noticeable drop in the frequency of communication. If your affair partner texted you 10 times a day or called you once a week just to hear your voice and hear about your day, but now it’s been hours, maybe days, since you’ve had the chance to chat, it’s really hard and impossible to deny. But it’s not just about the frequency or the passing of time. It’s also about the quality of conversation. If that deep, intimate chat has given way to a few text messages here or there, or a very quick phone call that doesn’t accomplish very much, chances are they’re pulling back, at least on some level. That loss of connection can be a very unsettling feeling, and even scary, especially if you’ve grown accustomed to feeling close.

2. Dodging Future Plans or ‘What’s Next’ Conversations:

Affairs are all about the future, and when it comes to the future, things can become fragile. If your other-person is suddenly very avoidant about arranging when the two of you can next see each other, or evasive about where the two of you are heading, then that is a huge warning that they are checking out. They might start evading all your plans, and when you try to engage with them about making a date, they give you vague answers, or claims that they are just too busy to do anything. You start to feel you are ‘nowhere’.

3. Emotionally Distant and Curt Responses:

Another clue is when your partner begins to use far less loving and warm language. Maybe he used to ask you how your day was and genuinely seem to care about your life, but now it seems like he’s going through the motions. Maybe he dismisses your concerns or shows little interest in talking about anything emotional. Or maybe, if you do try to express something or talk about a problem, he suddenly starts seeming emotionally removed from the conversation.

4. Shift in Tone and Enthusiasm:

Can you recall how they used to sound when they were speaking to you? Playful? Warm? Full of enthusiasm? When someone is losing interest, that can change. If their voice sounds flat, indifferent or just not into it anymore, that can be such a painful indicator that the feelings are shifting. Maybe what was once enthusiastic, full of good cheer, and an eagerness to engage with you, might now be flat, a bit bored and disinterested, like someone who wants to get the conversation over with and done. This is sometimes a shocking discovery as the person you once couldn’t stop talking with is no longer that person.

Behavioral Signs Your Affair Partner is Losing Interest

Changes in communication can be an indicator. However, you’ll often get stronger signals from how your partner behaves. When a partner starts to disengage, their behaviour will tend to change in ways that are difficult to miss. If you’ve detected any of the following patterns, then it might be time to confront the harsh reality of your partner’s waning interest.

1. They’re No Longer Putting in the Effort to See You:

In the beginning, your companion likely put a lot of effort into making sure to see you, often despite opposing circumstances. But now, it seems like making plans with you has become a chore. If your partner habitually makes up excuses to avoid spending time with you or seems ambivalent about making plans with you altogether, this is a telltale sign that they are distancing themselves from you. What once seemed like a priority has become something they seem to want to avoid, and it can be utterly devastating if you haven’t yet moved on.

2. Plans Are Frequently Canceled or Postponed at the Last Minute:

Shit happens and life gets busy, but if a partner frequently reschedules or cancels dates without a reason or explanation, it’s a good indicator they aren’t putting much value on the relationship. It might feel like you’re letting it slide when this happens here or there, but when it becomes a regular thing it’s hard not to feel like you’re on the back burner. It makes you feel like you’re no longer a priority when a partner disengages without saying so.

3. Physical Affection and Intimacy Have Dwindled:

Affairs are usually fuelled by physical attraction and intimacy: when this begins to disappear, something deeper is changing. If your husband or wife no longer seeks to touch you, or barely seems to register your attempts at physical closeness, you will feel snubbed. Feeling rejected over the disappearance of intimacy is a particularly painful adjustment.

4. They’re Not Engaging with You Outside of Your Time Together:

Outside of those times when your lives intersect, think about how your partner used to stay connected, via text, a video call or perhaps even just a funny meme shared. If those little ways of connecting have gone quiet, and they’re not checking in between times you’re together, it’s a sign they’re receding emotionally. It’s very echoing when the spatial distance compounded with the emotional distancing makes it quiet.

5. They’re No Longer Emotionally Available:

Arguably one of the most painful signs that a partner is checking out comes when he or she is not there for you when you need support. If you could always count on him or her to listen to your worries or fears, talk things through or offer a shoulder when needed, but he or she doesn’t respond in the same way any more, this is a definite sign of emotional checking-out. When loss of the emotional connection becomes apparent, you feel like you are in it alone, even though you are physically together.