How Long Does It Take a Man to Realize What He Lost? Uncovering the Truth

Men and women alike can experience a breakup as an emotional gut punch, and, as we navigate the days and weeks that follow, we can feel like we’re on an emotional rollercoaster: we’re in shock; we’re sad; we’re angry. And we might ping-pong between those feelings many times over before we start to feel better. The steps to healing are a rollercoaster, too – if you’ve been through it, you know that feeling doesn’t follow a predictable path.

For most men, the strong, emotional understanding of what they have lost might not come quickly, they may have a strong distaste for feeling this way, so they find other things to distract themselves, or they avoid and numb how they may really be feeling about the loss of their partner. Research has found that these delays in processing emotions can be related to a variety of factors, including societal norms and conditioned ways of dealing with expressions of emotion.

And when do these men really grasp just what they’ve lost – and what makes this process so psycho-emotionally challenging? These are the questions we will seek to unpack in this article.

Emotional Aftermath for Both Genders

Breakups aren’t easy on any of us. But for women and men, the way we deal with the end of a relationship tends to look very different. Culture often encourages women to talk about their feelings; to process their pain, and work through it. Conversely, men are more likely to feel that there’s something ‘weak’ about being emotional or showing vulnerability. These often subconscious expectations can impact how quickly each of us moves on after a breakup.

It’s common for women to burrow right into their emotions – sobbing it out, bitching to their girlfriends, or passing a few nights engrossed in their own thoughts, processing what just went down. Men, on the other hand, keep their emotions at bay and often find ways to distract themselves. They could throw themselves into work, pick up a new hobby, binge-watch Netflix, or casually date around until the pain passes. While this avoidance can feel productive, I believe it often results in a delayed realisation of what has been lost.

Women typically:

• Allow themselves to confront their feelings early on.

• Seek support from friends and family for comfort and advice.

• Spend time reflecting deeply on the relationship and their emotions.

Men on the other hand often:

• Turn to distractions like work or hobbies to avoid feeling the pain.

• Struggle to express their feelings, even to those they trust.

Key Phases of Realization for Men

The realization of what such a loss means is also influenced by the stages that men go through. There are, perhaps, stages in the way that men perceive the loss of their partner – prompted by different emotional and external triggers. They are important in understanding the delay in the realisation of his loss.

1. Denial and Distraction

A man will often engage in denial in the wake of a breakup, telling himself that he can walk away, shrugging off the loss of his beloved to his big-boy shoulders. This is the ‘distraction stage’ – a period when the male mind pours his energy into work projects, hobbies, trivial relationships, anything to keep himself from dwelling on the loss.

2. Loneliness and Missing Companionship

Over time, the initial diversions pall. The second phase generally arrives some months in, as men begin to miss their partners’ company. Once the initial burst of excitement fades, it might be the simple things, like the fact that now there’s no one to have a conversation with after a long day, or no one to share those small, ever-recurring routines of dormant life. In the quieter hours, as the loneliness kicks in, men start to think about what they’ve lost.

3. Triggering Events

Men sometimes need a trigger to realise what has been lost. These include:

• Seeing their ex-partner move on, either through social media or in person.

• Revisiting shared memories, such as old photos or places they frequented together.

• Encountering mutual friends who remind them of the past relationship.

These triggers can produce spontaneous and powerful bursts of regret over past relationships in men.

4. Acceptance and Reflection

Following regret, men report a shift into a phase characterised by acceptance as they come to terms with their breakup and their feelings over losing their romantic partner. This is typically the most introspective phase, as they begin to consider how they may have contributed to the breakup and acknowledge the emotional impact of the loss of a significant other.

Psychological Insights into Regret

There are several psychological principles that explain why men experience a delayed sense of loss and thus take longer to heal from a breakup.

• Attachment Theory

Attachment styles are integral to how men deal with relationships, and break-ups. Avoidant men for example who suppress emotional pain tend not to process their feelings of loss in the short term, so they might be the last to realize how much they’ve lost.

• Emotional Suppression

Social norms direct them to be emotionally strong, so they suppress sadness and vulnerability and put up a temporary brick wall between the loss and their brains, making it harder for them to experience the full force of the loss while it is acute.

• Delayed Emotional Processing

Unlike females, whose tears and expressions of grief can be swiftly processed, males often delay their encounter with emotions. This delay can be driven by being reluctant to take on painful emotions, or lacking an awareness of the emotion itself. As we process our feelings more slowly, we accumulate negative emotions over time. We store away our suffering, and only sporadically press Play on our DVD of devastation, revisiting it here and there. It’s only when we finally watch the movie all the way through that we discover how much we’ve lost.

Triggers for Reflection and Regret

Certain kinds of triggering events or reminders can open up opportunities for prolonged rumination and feelings of regret following the end of a relationship. A man who initially kept his ex out of his head can find these triggers forcing him to remember – and relive – the loss.

1. Social Media Posts

Viewing his ex-girlfriend on social media – and her life, if she’s happy, if she’s moved on – is a painful reminder for most men of their romantic and emotional desolation. These posts make them face the undeniable truth of their loneliness.

2. Mutual Friends

Seeing a mutual friend or talking about the ex could renew the desire. The former partner is perhaps the most obvious reminder of the break-up but the opportunity to renew contact could also revive all the former emotions that men pushed away.

3. Milestones and Anniversaries

Important dates – anniversaries or holidays – could serve to facilitate follow-up reflection in men. Memories of a former partner become evoked by the calendar. Nostalgia and regret in the context of a breakup are cyclical and can be reactivated over the months and years following a split.

4. The Slow Burn of Realization

Appreciating the magnitude of what he’s lost is something that men have to take their time to come to terms with. Of course, it isn’t quite as simple as that. But typically, what you see in men’s grief is not so much the great opening up of the inner emotional terrain as it is that it’s been raining, really raining, inside of them, and now the skies are clearing. Something is happening, and in its way, the result can be just as devastating.

5. Time as a Catalyst

The more time goes by, the more it compounds a man’s awareness of the loss. And while those weeks and months pass, the initial distractions and coping mechanisms of suddenly being alone begin to recede, providing space for self-reflection. It’s at this juncture that men begin to think about the good times, the emotional bond they once shared and the emptiness of life suddenly being conducted without the ‘other half’

6. Moments of Reflection

These moments of self-reflection are often unplanned and spontaneous: a song, a movie, a familiar smell – any sensory experience – can bring back memories from the relationship that were buried deep in the psyche, igniting a fresh sense of loss and longing. These moments pile up over time, shedding new light on the emotional stakes of the split.

Why Some Men Never Fully Realize the Loss

Though many of them reach this inescapable conclusion eventually, not all of them do. Prevalent psychological barricades, distractions and emotional numbing can prevent men from arriving at a reckoning. Here are some of the reasons they may remain unaware of the true impact of their breakup:

Emotional Detachment

For some men, a disconnection from their emotional selves means they may never fully acknowledge their loss. They keep their feelings at bay to avoid vulnerability, which makes it difficult for them to get emotionally close to others. Consequently, a breakup might be perceived as less significant, and they may fail to recognize the emotional depth of their former relationship.

Constant Distractions

Some men occupy themselves so fully with work, new relationships or a hobby, that they avoid the grief process. By staying preoccupied, they postpone, or even evade the pain and the awareness of their loss.

Psychological Defense Mechanisms

Defensive mechanisms can also stop men from experiencing their emotions more fully: Dealing with the anxiety of rejection, they might rationalise or deny the importance of the relationship; ‘I thought she was a loser anyway,’ or ‘I’ll be better off without her.’ In both cases, only a mild or fleeting sense of regret might emerge.